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Azami Makeup | I'm A Sugar Junkie
I'm a sugar addict and I didn't know that. Not to that extent. I've always loved sugar, I've always loved cakes and I don't mind eating one or two chocolate tablets within an hour if they're to my taste. I remember my grandma giving me some coins for me to buy myself some candy before going to school, I remember the Epiphany's galettes, I remember the Bûches de Noël, I remember the Nutella I spread on bread, on croissants, on anything I could spread it on.

I've been trying to change my lifestyle about eating and about sugar and fat in particular for about six, seven months, since last September. I was 73.4 kgs at that time and I just couldn't stand looking at myself anymore, thinking how do I do nothing to make myself feel better ? All those years of sucking in my stomach to make it look like I'm thinner than I am, just because I love sugar so much that I can't bring myself to stop.

Last September I started acting to look better, to feel better and think better about the things I eat. Lately I've been falling down into my bad habits. At first, I was eating only things I made myself, nothing "manmade" anymore. No tomato sauce I didn't make myself, no pre-cooked stuff, no pasta boxes - even though I must have eaten only one in my entire life, these things taste like garbage. I just wanted to put clean things in my body and since I started tracking calories since September, it helped that I was eating clean, because manmade things are SO caloric and most of the time, I'm still going to be hungry afterwards even if I just barfed a 500 kcal in something useless to my body.
And then came the "treat meals", as I like to call them, because "cheat meal" just isn't a term I want to apply to something that makes me feel good. If I have to "cheat" to eat some food that I like, then that means that my lifestyle is not sustainable and that's not what I'm after. So I slowly reintroduced chocolate, some biscuits, some chocolate bars - all protein-based. And little by little, "if it fits your macros" hit me. This expression means that if what you're going to eat fits your daily caloric needs and protein/carb/fat needs, you can totally eat it. But by then I had swapped protein-based chocolate for regular milk chocolate. And at some point it was just too much, and the line between discipline and a total blowout was thinner and thinner till I just went past it.

Last Saturday, I was craving sugar. When I'm craving chocolate, now, I just know that it's really the sugar fix I'm craving. I was taking a long, long walk across Paris with my boyfriend and we came across a tea house, and I saw the most marvelous cakes in the window. Now that I'm thinking about it again, I'm salivating. Since we were going to the restaurant the day after and we're beginning to spend a lot of money on food that isn't useful, my boyfriend tried to talk me out of it but I insisted, insisted, started to make a scene and I felt awful because he didn't deserve that bad moment for just trying to help me out in following my clean lifestyle. After a while, he gave in and simply told me "Okay, let's go grab one".
But by that time, it was too late. I didn't simply want one anymore. I was feeling like two, three, maybe four cakes. It's not that I'm overrestricting myself. It's just that if I restrict myself in any way, that's what happens. While you would eat one or two donuts to enjoy and feel good, I would eat five in a day - true story since that happened in London a week ago. Of course, my boyfriend wasn't okay with me buying three or four cakes so he said "Nope, that's too much". What was an otherwise awesome, sunny, calm day was turning bad for me, I was thinking only of the sugar, and I told myself "Okay - I'll get one or two or three but tomorrow, I won't eat sugar anymore".

Tomorrow.
Tomorrow.

Then I understood I was a sugar junkie. Only junkies ask for their fix and promise that they will stop it altogether tomorrow. Only a junkie can become bad, sad and mean if they don't have what they need. At that point I started crying because I was feeling helpless with myself. End of story, we didn't get those cakes in that teashop. Instead, we kept on walking and I ran into the first Starbucks we came across - just couldn't stop myself. We took chairs, my boyfriend gave me his credit card and left me to deal with what I wanted. I took a coffee to share. And five different cakes. I spent a whopping €19 in Starbucks for low-quality cakes just because I had to. In the window, they looked so good. Shiny, fluffy, I could taste them with my eyes and my mouth was salivating already. The icing, the colors. As I ate them, I felt the flow of happiness in my brain, I was high, I felt good, alive even. And minutes after, I regretted buying them all.

It's like I'm lucid only when I've got sugar in my mouth, in my stomach, in my veins. It's in the moment, it's the urge of having the choice, it's the cream and the chocolate and the crispyness and the tenderness of the doughs. I'm cutting down on sugar again. I've tried eating only a bit of it but I can't discipline myself with sugar. I always want more and it's just not helping with my health, which I want to be as clean as possible. The only way for me is to cut down on it altogether, as if I eat some, I'll eat it all. I hadn't eaten at McDonald's for months and I find myself eating 400-kcal McFlurrys all of a sudden and that's not what I want for my health, for my skin, you know ?
It's only the first few days of my sugar rehab, hell, only the second day. I'm missing it already. But I want to keep going, eat as little sugar as I can except in fruit. I want to go past that point when I get mad and really mean and wander around the house for minutes on end to find something sugary to nibble on. I want to see what's past that. 

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